Sony Enters Masturbation Market

In what industry insiders have called "their boldest move yet," Sony has announced that by 2001 all of their Playstation 2 consoles will feature cable connections.

Despite the current lack of widespread consumer utilization of broadband Internet connections to their homes, as well as the general lack of availability of such service, Sony envisions its Playstation 2 as an integral part of their home entertainment package.

"Our Emotion Chip can render polygons faster than any PC video processor, and at much higher quality," said Sony president and chief executive Ken Kurtaragi. "But it's content that will drive the market, and we are placing ourselves into contention in the pornography market."

As broadband Internet connections become more widely available, Kurtaragi envisions consumers downloading content, including Playstation and Playstation 2 games, for use on the Playstation 2 console. "But what we're seeing is a direct correlation between video game-playing and cock-spanking," said Kurtaragi.

"Therefore, we at Sony feel that we must attempt to meet all the entertainment needs of our socially-retarded consumers," said Kurtaragi. "This means providing not only gaming content, but also a vast amount of pornography." "I mean, who doesn't like to finish a good round of Metal Gear Solid with a vigorous dick-pulling?" said Kurtaragi. "And all those teen sites? Damn, those tiny-titty girls are hot as fuck. I like that pussy tight and sweet, baby!"

Additionally, Playstation 2 will be able to play DVD movies. "Isn't that the shit? I mean, about the only movies you can find on DVD that feature the multiple camera angles are pornos!" said Kurtaragi. "So now you won't have to look at those incessant crotch-shots with the man's sweaty ass as he pumps his hot rod into that juicy twat. Just switch cameras for a good look at her face as he rams his man-meat home."

Sega, who introduced their new Dreamcast system earlier this year, are less than impressed.

"They may have the hardcore teen porn our fans know and love, but who else could bring you Gillian Anderson and Sarah Michelle Gellar lesbian action?" said Michael Montgomery, president and CEO of Sega.

"Only Sega has the power of Steven Spielberg's Gameworks, a total entertainment facility," said Montgomery. "And with Spielberg's pull, we can get virtually any star nude and lewd. Our first feature is Marina Sirtis revising her role in Caligula. Beat that Sony! A real Star Trek chick, cramming her cunt with inch after inch of hot cock!"

Sony has countered with their assurance that by 2005, their Emotion chips will be generations ahead of today's chips, allowing pornography viewers to "get right up in that shit."